1) The Tiddy Bear -- Yes, this is a real product, we called and ordered one. It's a seat-belt cover in the shape of a teddy bear that snuggles in between women's breasts to avoid chafing and has the unfortunately hilarious name "tiddy."
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2) Kush Support -- A boob separator for women who like to sleep on their sides but don't like their breasts touching. It's so unreasonably phallic we just don't know what to say.
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3) Ayd's Appetite Suppressant Candy -- Um, yeah, so under the Ayd's plan you eat less...is that because you're dying? This unfortunately named diet pill-disguised-as-candy was surely a hit in the disease-free 80s.
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4) Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask -- It's like doing sit-ups for your face, only instead of doing something healthy you're electrocuting yourself while dressed as a serial killer.
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5) The Comfort Wipe -- It took us a while to figure out what this was because of the number of inane euphemisms the ad uses, but now we get it: it's an arm extender so you can wipe yourself without touching toilet paper. As they say in the ad, "Think about it, toilet paper is REALLY disgusting."
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6) Ahhh: Toilet Paper Foam Moistener -- Another butt related product, this foam makes your "ordinary toilet paper extraordinary." My toilet paper is going to get a complex! It's ok, just the way it is!
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7) Facial Flex -- Is your face slacking off? Do you not look terrifying naturally? Then the facial flex is for you! This face stretching device is meant to tighten granny's face, but can probably also be used for all your S&M needs.
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8) Bumpits: Hair Volumizing Inserts -- As we all know, hair in America just isn't big enough, and that's why Bumpits are so important. They give you that extra classy look that comes from creating a ginormous poof on top of your head. As they say in the infomercial, "It's so fun to bump a pony."
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9) AromaTrim -- You know what else stops you from eating when you snort it? Cocaine.
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LOL
